All Mixed Up — Its Just A Phase
Living in the Storm: Understanding Mixed Phases of Bipolar Disorder
Imagine feeling like you’re running a marathon while sinking into quicksand. Your mind is racing, buzzing with energy, but your heart feels crushed by despair. This is what a mixed phase of bipolar disorder can feel like—a chaotic collision of highs and lows that’s hard to explain, even harder to endure, and often misunderstood. I want to share what it’s like to live through these moments, hoping to help others see the storm inside.
What Is a Mixed Phase?
Bipolar disorder is known for its swings between mania and depression, but mixed phases are where things get messy. It’s not just feeling up one day and down the next—it’s both at once. You might be wired with energy, unable to sleep, while drowning in hopelessness. Thoughts race, but they’re dark and heavy. It’s like your brain is at war with itself, and you’re caught in the crossfire.
The Chaos of Feeling Everything at Once
During a mixed episode, I might feel like I could conquer the world while simultaneously believing I’m worthless. I could be talking a mile a minute, bursting with ideas, but each one is laced with guilt or fear. It’s exhausting and disorienting. As Kay Redfield Jamison describes in An Unquiet Mind, it’s a “restless, agitated energy” paired with “dark, suicidal thoughts.” The worst part? It’s unpredictable. One moment, I’m impulsively planning a grand project; the next, I’m spiraling into thoughts of giving up entirely.
For many, mixed phases are the most dangerous. The energy of mania fuels the despair of depression, making impulsive or harmful actions feel urgent. It’s why these episodes are often linked to a higher risk of self-harm or suicide. Yet, they’re also the hardest to explain to others. How do you tell someone you’re both unstoppable and broken?
Voices That Capture the Experience
I’m not alone in this. Writers like Terri Cheney, in Manic: A Memoir, describe mixed states as a “collision of energies,” where she felt “wildly alive” and “utterly desolate” at the same time. Anonymous voices on forums like Bipolar UK echo this, with one person saying, “It’s the worst of both worlds—like screaming inside while running in circles.” These stories remind me that while the experience feels isolating, others understand it too.
Why It’s Hard to Understand (and Why It Matters)
Mixed phases don’t fit neatly into the stereotypes of bipolar disorder. People might expect you to be either “up” or “down,” but mixed states defy that logic. Friends might see your energy and think you’re “fine,” missing the pain underneath. Even doctors sometimes struggle to recognize mixed episodes, which can lead to misdiagnosis or delayed treatment. Sharing these experiences helps bridge that gap, showing others what it’s really like.
For those of us living with bipolar disorder, talking about mixed phases can feel vulnerable but also freeing. It’s a way to say, “This is my reality, and it’s okay if it’s messy.” It’s also a call for empathy—to help loved ones, coworkers, or even strangers understand why we might seem erratic or distant.
How You Can Help
If someone you know experiences mixed phases, listen without judgment. Don’t try to “fix” it with advice like “just cheer up” or “calm down”—those words miss the point. Instead, ask how they’re feeling and be patient if they struggle to explain. Encourage them to seek professional help, like therapy or medication, which can stabilize these turbulent episodes. And if you’re going through this yourself, know that you’re not alone—resources like Bipolar UK or NAMI offer support and community.
Have you or someone you know experienced a mixed phase? Share your thoughts in the comments below, or check out resources like Bipolar UK to learn more and connect with others.
Thank you for reading and taking a step toward understanding this complex part of bipolar disorder. It’s a deep subject, but sharing it helps us all feel a little less alone in the storm.
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